Sue Lackey of Essex has been supervising the care for her frail parents for two years. She drives to their home in Pennsylvania for a week each month, and she is currently planning to move her mother to the Burlington area. Her father died in January. Her advice to other family caregivers: "Even if you have to crawl, go to a Caring for Mom and Dad Workshop."

"Caring for Mom and Dad: Will You Be Ready When It's Your Turn?" is a workshop offered this fall in seven communities by the Visiting Nurse Association of Chittenden and Grand Isle Counties. "Caregivers have told us that it helps them to have a good understanding of the framework of the long term care system," says Beverly Boget, VNA administrator and developer of the workshop. "They want to know what questions to ask and what resources are available for making their own plans."

Using examples from her nursing and personal experience, Sue Goetschius, a geriatric nurse specialist at Fletcher Allen health Care, reviews the kinds of issues that caregivers must face – from housing to transportation, from health care to nutrition – adding nuggets of advice, such as: Don't promise anything. Circumstances change, and your promise never to put your mother in a nursing home may have to be broken. This does not make you a bad person. Tanya Morris, a social worker with the VNA, speaks about the importance of making a care plan, clearly assessing the caregiver's role and limitations, and making sure that as many people as possible help out. Karen Mills, CPA with Grippin, Donlan, and Roche, PLC stresses that financial affairs must be clear. Besides knowing what services cost and how public and private insurances can help pay for them, the caregiver must understand what Mom and Dad own and what they owe

"It's useful to have three different experts on hand," says Lackey. "But what I found most valuable was the group discussion and learning from other people with the same issues. I learned that I wasn't alone." In caring for her parents Lackey has struggled with their reluctance to talk about their problems before they become critical and with their distrust of professionals - physicians or financial planners - who were women. Other people in the group who had run into the same generational and cultural issues offered suggestions.

Along with dessert and coffee, workshop participants receive a family caregiver resource manual developed by the VNA. Instead of listing specific services, the manual tells you where to find information, and it reinforces the approach of the workshops. Neither the manual nor the workshops are designed to solve individual problems. Instead their message is: You are not alone; there are many resources available; there are no "one-size fits all" answers. The manual also includes a coupon for a free one-hour consultation with a VNA Geriatric Care Manager.

A major issue for families, says Lackey, is trying to figure out how much care for Mom and Dad will cost. In her case, she is grateful to Karen Mills who helped her see that care in a nursing home or in an assisted living facility or for a personal home care attendant is much less expensive in Burlington than in the Philadelphia suburbs, where her mother now lives. On the other hand, parents are not children. They cannot be moved from one state to another as easily as you can move a two-year old.

Sue Goetschius helped her put the issue of relationships and control into perspective, Lackey says. A common saying about family care has it that family roles reverse: The child becomes the caregiver, the one in control. Goetschius replies that the roles are not actually reversing. Instead, the tasks of the roles are changing. The daughter is still the daughter. The mother does not become a child. She is still the mother. Parents need and expect the respect based on the family relationship. They need to feel in control of their lives. The caregiver, daughter or son, must allow them to make decisions about their lives – offering help and support without taking over.

The VNA workshops are part of the organization's centennial celebrations. One hundred years ago, the VNA fielded one nurse who went door-to-door visiting families in need in Burlington. Today the VNA has an annual budget of about $24 million and a staff of nearly 700, complimented by 600 volunteers, who serve some 5000 people each year throughout Chittenden and Grand Isle counties. But the basic mission of the organization then and now is the same: caring for individuals and families through health and related services in home and other community settings. Besides their basic home services, VNA today offers several other programs, ranging from hospice care to adult day care to pediatric high-tech services.

"We see these workshops as a way of saying "Thank you" to the communities we serve for their support," says Boget. "We hear so much about people caring for family members, and our staff sees the need for help at first hand. We want to help by sharing our information and experience."

Three More VNA "Caring for Mom and Dad" Workshops

• October 11, Williston Town Meeting Hall
• October 17, Pines Senior Living Community, Dorset Street, South Burlington
• October 26, Colchester Meeting House

Each workshop is free and runs from 6:30 – 8 p.m. Register at 860-4437.

Barbara Leitenberg writes on senior issues for the Champlain Valley Agency on Aging. This article originally appeared in the Burlington Free Press.