If you are 40 years old and your parents are 70, it's high time to start talking about sensitive issues. This is the "40-70 Rule," an approach to communication between adult children and aging parents that aims to smooth out possibly prickly discussions about losing driving privileges or needing to leave home or controlling finances. Home Instead Senior Care has developed a booklet, available free-of-charge, which offers simple practical suggestions about handling these discussions.

The suggestions are built around real-life situations. For example, if a neighbor calls you to say that he saw your 80 year- old father back his car into a light pole, what do you do? Home Instead emphasizes the value of calm conversations, careful observation of the whole situation, and promoting independence. Don't assume immediately that Dad must give up his license. If the damage is visible, ask him what happened to the car. Or, bring up the phone call. Take the time to drive with him and gauge his skills and abilities. An older adult who consciously reduces nighttime driving and drives a bit slower to account for longer reaction time is probably safe. But an 80 year-old who insists on driving at night on icy highways at 75 miles per hour probably needs an immediate intervention. Make his safety and that of others your focus, says Home Instead. 

Home Instead is a private international provider of non-medical home care and companionship services. Its franchise in Burlington is five years old and serves five counties in northwestern Vermont. Spokesperson Karen Koechlein explains that in preparing "The 40-70 Rule: A Guide to conversation Starters for Boomers and Their Senior Loved Ones," Home Instead interviewed 1500 U.S and Canadian adult children of aging parents, asking them about their relationships with their parents and their handling of sensitive topics. They found that nearly one-third of adults in the U.S. have a major communication obstacle that stems from continuation of the parent-child role. It is difficult to treat parents respectfully as equals.

"The important thing," says Koechlein, "is early and careful communication. Let your parents know that you are available, that many senior services are available. Don't push them. A lot of people just tell their parents what to do." 

The survey also found that "needing to leave home" is the most difficult topic for Boomers' discussions with their parents. Timing is the key in these conversations, says Koechlein. There are rarely urgent deadlines that have to be met immediately. She cites her own experience with her 83 year-old mother. They started to talk about possibilities before any crisis was at hand, sharing observations and considering housing alternatives, not forgetting help at home. Her mother decided to put her name on a wait list for an independent living unit.

"The 40-70 Rule" offers possible conversation starters for a variety of issues – from a messy house to senior moments, from financial problems to senior dating, from deteriorating health to inappropriate dress. Koechlein quotes her 16 year-old son's understanding of the approach: It's like having talks about drugs with your kids, he says. You start calmly when they are young, long before a crisis hits.

• For more information, go to: www.4070talk.com
• For a free copy of "The 40-70 Rule: A Guide to Conversation Starters for Boomers and Their Senior Loved Ones," call Home Instead, 802-860-4663.

Barbara Leitenberg writes on senior issues for the Champlain Valley Agency on Aging. This article originally appeared in the Burlington Free Press.